“Instagram.” ”1 Billion Dollars.” As of last week, these two phrases are now inseparable. I can’t even go to a bank now and ask the teller for a billion dollars without them looking at me and saying, “Who do you think you are, Instagram?”. It’s embarrassing and ultimately revealing, as our precious lexicon has been forever changed with a surging demographic of entrepreneurs wanting to get that “Instragram money” or my personal favorite, referring to one billion dollars as an “Instagrand”. Say what you will about white people, but we know how to turn a pun. So, for many of my brilliant friends, becoming a billionaire has never been so close, as all it takes is a simple idea (read: a hipster Kodak), someone smart enough to design the software based around that said idea (read: Asian) and somewhere around 30 million users to attract enough attention to the idea. Repeat as necessary and inevitably, you too will become an overnight billionaire, regardless of the odds, which are worth mentioning (As of April 16th, 2012, the number of billionaires in the world is 1,210. A number just slightly larger then the number of people with aol.com email addresses… nine*). With a formula that sound and numbers so delusionally optimistic, I would be a fool to not try to get my hands in this digital Take-A-One Hundred Billion Pennies Jar that is smartphone Apps, so I decided to present my best idea for an App that is sure to become popular enough so that Mandy Adams, the acerbic teller at Bank of America, will surely have to shut her fucking face.
It bears note that at the time of this idea’s conception I discovered and was intensely pursuing both the delicious taste of FireFly Sweet Tea Vodka and the infectious sounds of Ms. Katy Perry, whose influences/inspirations are noted below as necessary.
My friend Daniel just got a job writing slogans for Dove chocolate. Suffice to say, he’s single.
(Insecure ladies, you can follow Daniel on twitter @bethea48)
Don’t call your ex ever. Don’t call ‘em when you’re drunk, and especially don’t call ‘em when you’re drunk.
BULL-RIDING. Often referred to as “The Most Dangerous Eight Seconds In Sports” (Unless you count dancing with Plaxico Burress), a select group of amateur riding enthusiasts (Read: fledgling alcoholics) decided to put their bodies and open tabs on the line at Saddle Ranch this past week to achieve immortality… though only garnered strained thumbs, a $50 Gift Card and bruises the sizes of the Gobi Desert.
Special thanks to Thayne Clark for shooting and editing this chilling documentary of competition, pain and overpriced nachos.
Holy shit FOOD TRUCK WARS, someone just brought a nuclear warhead to a knife fight.
Check out the link below to two recent episodes of Earwolf’s HOW DID THIS GET MADE? that I edited, featuring Paul Scheer, Jason Mantzoukas, June Diane Raphael and Damon Lindelof discussing the not-so-subtle ridiculousness of “Superman III”. Very funny. Very edited.
http://store.earwolf.com/pages/how-did-this-get-made-ep-24
(If you want to support a good cause, there is a pay-feature for these eps and anything you can offer is greatly appreciated by the extremely hard-working and attractive staff at Earwolf)
What’s more alarming then Daniel Day Lewis’ resemblance to Lincoln in this photo is that probably America’s greatest living actor has given up a lifetime of “method acting” as evident in his anachronistic clothing choice of a turtleneck. I mean, there may be a J Crew next to Ford’s Theatre now, but I don’t think that should be taken as evidence of it’s existence circa 1865. Given the apathy towards research that DDL is obviously exhibiting, I can only imagine that his antebellum brunch he’s eating is probably a frittata covered with Dippin’ Dots.
From out of the vault that is my external hard drive comes a Thanksgiving miracle in the form of a commercial shot for the new iPhone… From nine months ago. It’s pretty much the same damn phone though. Enjoy.
Is anyone else haunted by their life choices every time they try to type a web address into their browser? It’s always very humbling/pathetic as I watch the internet anticipate what site I want to go to based on the beginning letters I type and which sites I frequent the most and therefore become my “Top Hit”. As much as I hate to admit it, “Top Hit” doesn’t lie and like the German doctor who administered my Gonorrhea test said, “Zu cun’t argoo wis rezultz”.
Here are just a few of my top hits, where the column on the left represents the site that I was trying to go to, and the column on the right is, apparently, what site the internet knows I’d rather be going to.
DESIRED SITE MY TOP HIT
www.youtube.com www.youporn.com
www.tumblr.com www.tum2cum2.com
www.cnn.com www.cumallyeplayful.com
www.google.com www.gonorreahandyou.com
www.imdb.com www.imnotsurethisislegalbutitgetsmehard.com
www.espn.com www.especiallyhornycomasluts4real.com
www.yelp.com www.yepthatstotallyanal.com
www.ratemykitten.com www.ratemykitten.com
www.homedepot.com www.howtoclearrecenthistory.com
www.match.com www.masturbationnation.com
www.facebook.com www.factsaboutgonorreah.com
www.bangbros.com www.brucespringsteen.net
www.wikipedia.org www.wikipedophilia.com
www.craigslists.com www.crazytownlyrics.com
www.twitter.com www.twodudesnopants.com
… In my defense, the lyrics to “Butterfuly” are very difficult to discern by listening alone.
Chances are you saw this photo and thought to yourself, “there is no way that crude, serrated device goes on my penis” (if you are a female, I have no idea what you think… you’re insane). However, dick or not, you would be mistaken as this crude, serrated device most certainly does go on your penis, or it would if you were living in the late 19th century and believed that nocturnal emission was a disease that weakened you, known as “spermatorrhoea” or “seminal weakness.”. This dick-wrenching device in question is known as a Spermatorrhoea Ring, and was not only meant to prevent nocturnal emissions, but also curb masturbation in general.
The device was a metal ring with jagged spikes lining the edge pointed inward. A clip was used to attach the ring to the base of the penis, and when an erection increased the penis’ girth, it would come in contact with the sharp spikes, causing the wearer enough discomfort to deter ejaculation.
Ouchies, right? Suffice to say, while the knowledge of this device might be useful, putting into practice would not be. I’m old school and curb my masturbation habits with a jar of JIF and a Labrador. Now, if you are looking for something useful that is not necessarily new, check out the VIDEO section on the site as I have put some past videos up on for posterity and your viewing pleasure. New vid coming this week…
